Obsidian Source: Bookish / Notes about self.
Summary
Pending synthesis from local Obsidian source.
Original source title: Notes About Self.
Extracted Preview
KG-2
Tick, Tick, Tick... Everything around me seems to be moving fast, every moment the heartbeat is getting faster, and there is some innate tension in me that I can't seem to figure out - one reason is that I was maybe 4-5 yaers old, but there were already some deep rooted tension in me. I had this anxiety that everyone around me is judging me, that I'm not good enough...
"Aman" - "Present Madam" said a familiar voice.
"Ashutosh" - "Present Madam", again a familiar voice.
With every roll call, the anxiety was creeping in, but I literally had not tools to both understand it and process it, so I started blanking out, I didn't know what to do.
"Santosh" - "Present Madam". It is getting closer as we speak.
...
"Yashovardhan". No voice. The most I managed to do was raise my hand. I just couldn't, and this was not the first time this has happened. The teacher knew it, maybe everyone else knew it, and deep down, even I knew it. I just couldn't. I was someone who wasn't the most talkative guy in school, I was mostly just really scared to do anything to be honest. Most people scared me, and talking to them about anything made me sweat. I was like this
The teacher had had it enough from me. She thought I am some troublemaker who is doing this for fun, so she did the most horrific thing anyone could've done to a child who was really struggling to find his feet in an unknown environment - she locked me in the school's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I haven't cried more in my life since that day. I was genuinely scared, but I didn't had the tools to cope with whatever that was happening to me at that time. Just thinking about that incident is giving me goosebumps, even after more than decade and a half.
Although I couldn't pin point exactly the origins of my behavior, , I'm pretty sure I developed some strange coping strategies after this incident.
Integration Notes
- Source folder:
/home/yashs/Documents/Docs/Obsidian/Research-Notes - Local source:
/home/yashs/Documents/Docs/Obsidian/Research-Notes/Bookish/Notes about self..md - Raw copy:
raw/obsidian/research-notes/Bookish/Notes about self..md